The Beginning of an anxiety disorder

Week 1 on Pexeva…

I had been taking small doses of Pexeva for one week and continued taking Xanax about five times a day.  There was no change. I was waking up every night at exactly four hours after taking a Xanax, gasping for air and shaking. It was hard to take the next Xanax, because my hands were shaking so hard that I could not open the pill container. I felt like what I imagined a drug addict would feel like. I no longer felt like I could be alone. I feared something was going to happen to me and I wouldn’t be able to take care of my kids.

This first week, my husband worked two days. My mom had to sleep over and take my son to school in the morning. During the day, my dad came over to help me with my daughter who was almost two years old. While the Xanax was working, I felt only a little sick to my stomach and my hands shook slightly. I could manage some day to day activities like laundry, preparing meals for my daughter and playing with her. As the Xanax wore off, the sensations would intensify and so I would lie down on the couch and count the minutes until I could take the next Xanax. In the afternoon, my dad would drive me to my son’s school to pick him up in carline. I would stare out of the window while we waited in the car, looking at everyone else in their cars. I would tell my dad “everyone looks so happy and normal and look at me”. He started laughing and said “yeah right! That’s what you think!” Then I started laughing and said “they are probably looking at us thinking we are happy and normal!” We both laughed and then I started crying.

The rest of the days this first week, my husband was home. It was one thing for my parents to see me so weak and sad, but I hated showing this side of me to my husband. I would hide in the bedroom, lying in bed, thinking about how badly I wanted to fix this. One day he tried a “tough love” approach and asked me if I was planning on laying in bed all day. The tone he had was accusatory and it made me feel worse. I couldn’t answer him and just cried more. He just walked out of the room and continued to do whatever it was he would do during this time.

I was sad for him. From one day to the next, the person he married, was a stranger. I was no longer anything like the person he fell in love with, or the person he had planned on spending the rest of his life with. I think the worst part for him, was that he couldn’t understand what was happening to me and couldn’t do anything about it.

Continue: Week 2 on Pexeva

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