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Xanax!

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Xanax During the Holidays

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

I LOVE the holidays!! I LOVE to entertain!! I LOVE to cook and bake!! I LOVE to buy presents!! Imagine my dismay, when I could not do ANY of those things! I had been keeping a journal during this time and keeping track of the medications I had tried. I did this mostly so I could share my results with my doctor during the next visit. I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget any detail, thought, emotion, or sensation. During November and December, however, I did not keep track of anything except for when I took Xanax and how much. I was overwhelmed with the events and activities this time of year brings. I was tormented with all the things I wanted to do, but couldn’t. Xanax was the only thing that calmed my nerves enough to be able to function. The problem with Xanax is that your body gets accustomed to it. I had read all about its addictive qualities and I became obsessed with NOT becoming addicted.

Xanax Dose

I started with a small dose, as needed. I was able to drive to work, be somewhat productive and then drive home. I drove my son to pre-school when I had to and dropped my daughter off at my parent’s house when I had to. I did whatever I had to do and nothing else. I continued to see my psychologist and psychiatrist every week. I had some ok moments and some not ok moments. The ok moments were ok because I had taken Xanax. The moments where I was not ok, was when the Xanax wore off.

How Much Xanax

Most people take the lowest dose of Xanax, one time, and fall asleep for like 24 hours. I was taking four times that amount, three to four times a day and felt like I was on a caffeine high. That is how out of control I was! I am not including exact doses on this post because I would never want someone to read this post and get any ideas on how to take this medication! I never took anything without specific instructions from my psychiatrist. What I do want people to understand is that medications serve a purpose. If you ever feel guilty or ashamed that you need to take something to calm your nerves, or to help you fall asleep, think of me. I had to take a lot of something! There is no shame or weakness in getting help. Life is hard and everyone needs help sometimes. Mine was in the form of a pill. Today, I don’t take any Xanax. It was just what I needed at that time.

Xanax Works

My doctor was going to be out of town and unreachable for a couple of weeks in December and I think he felt like I was a loose canon! Xanax was the only pill I would agree to take and the only one that worked at that time. It got me through the holidays. I was able to attend some Christmas parties, give out gifts and even take a Christmas card picture at a very loud, very crowded photo studio! I think that was the most difficult thing I did that month! I often look at the picture and think that nobody would ever look at that picture, where I am smiling with my husband and two kids, all in matching colors, and think I am going through any kind of distress. The reality was that I had already taken Xanax twice and still wanted to vomit from the butterflies in my stomach (insert smile)!

I Survived with Xanax

Soon, the holidays were over and I had survived. It is time for the new year! Christmas break was over and I had to go back to work, my kids had to go back to Pre-K and Abuela’s house and I had to face the reality that I still had not found a solution to my problem, only a band-aid…

Continue: Happy New Year – 2011

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