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Week 2 – More Trouble

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Anxiety and Panic After a Major Panic Attack

It is the beginning of week two, post panic attack. The weekend was awful. I continued to feel nervous, had difficulty breathing and my heart rate was elevated. The lowest points this weekend, were not being able to play with my kids and having to depend on my husband, to take care of them. I went through the motions of playing and pretended to be happy, but it was extremely difficult. I felt like throwing up the entire time. I was light-headed and nervous and the whole experience was exhausting. I kept taking breaks and would go to my room to take a shower, or lie down. I remember lying down on my bed one time and looking out of the window. I could see my husband running around with our kids in the yard, while I lay in bed feeling like an absolute failure. What was happening to me? Why was I feeling this way? Why would anyone want to live feeling this way?

Support for an Anxiety Disorder

I remember calling my sister, crying of course, saying “I don’t know what is wrong with me”! I couldn’t say much because it was too emotional, but I could hear her telling me that it was going to be ok and that we were going to figure this out. She said “we” and not “you”. I was grateful that even though she had no idea what I was going through, she was going to help me. Also, just knowing that someone believed me, believed that I was feeling something horrible, uncontrollable and indescribable, was enough in that moment.

Career and an Anxiety Disorder

I went back to work on Monday. It was slightly better this time. I think knowing that I was going to feel nervous and nauseous, prepared me a little. Lorazepam also kept me a calmer, although not much. I do not remember a lot about this week. I was just trying to survive it. I attended meetings via conference call, instead of physically being in a conference room. I went to my car during my lunch hour to meditate and try to relax. I also tried to avoid other people. Tuesday afternoon, there was an event at my job. I remember talking to my co-worker about wanting to attend, but I was not sure if I could stand it. She told me she would go with me and I decided to give it a try.

Fight or Flight at Work

The event was outside of the building and I remember walking towards the door to head outside. I suddenly stopped. Something held me in place. I could not walk forward anymore. I closed my eyes and I tried to breathe deeply, but it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. With my eyes closed, I said “I can’t, I just can’t” and turned back to the elevator. It felt like an eternity getting back to my office. I made it there, grabbed my purse and quickly headed to my car. This time I took the stairs down three flights, since there are fewer people in the stairwell. I rushed down the hall and outside of the building, to my car. Again, I had chosen FLIGHT. I sped out of the parking lot, to then drive 15 mph on the right lane of the highway, crying the entire way home. I called my boss when I made it home in order to focus on just driving, to let her know it had happened again, whatever “it” was.

I called my mom when I made it home and asked her to please take me to the doctor. Continue reading here: Week 2 – 2nd Visit to the doctor

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